Julescosby's Blog

Archive for February, 2010

Onion Ring gets more fans than Stephen Harper

Posted by julescosby on February 8, 2010

OTTAWA – Touching off a third constitutional crisis in a matter of years, an onion ring has just become the de facto leader of the Dominion of Canada.

The onion ring, whose online celebrity quickly reached meteoric heights, has officially garnered more Facebook fans than Stephen Harper, leader of the Conservative Party and 22nd Prime Minister of Canada.

Despite a last-ditch effort made by Harper to ally with other federal parties and Facebook groups, he still couldn’t defeat the onion ring, which is a battered ring of sliced onion, similar to a leek.

Though neither the position of the Prime Minister nor the online social networking site Facebook are explicitly recognized by the Constitution Acts [1867], [1982], the transfer of power was completed once the onion ring stepped off its specially-built Boeing 747/Pressure Cooker Hybrid at the MacDonald-Cartier International Airport in Ottawa.

Once the onion ring was installed as leader, it immediately began sweeping changes of the landscape of the federal government.  Medicare was replaced by a national dipping sauce program.  Parliament buildings were refitted with millions of litres of cooking oil, a move which attracted great praise from the canola and soybean dependent farmers’ lobby.

In its first national address, the Onion Ring declared that Canada was now to be called Ringania, a move which, while popular in Alberta and Quebec, has irritated some Ontarians.

Although some constitutional experts are quick to call these recent developments “unprecedented”, historical parallels have also been drawn.  At the provincial level, a battered piece of cod once fought successfully to become the Premier of Newfoundland, though it was devoured by Danny Williams before it could assume office.

Similarly, at the federal level,19th century Prime Minister Alexander MacKenzie’s government was defeated by an alliance between Sir John A. MacDonald’s Conservatives and a plate of potatoes ”served in the French manner”.  However, this is the first time that a deep-fried vegetable has vied for power with no inside help.

Though at press time Harper could not be reached for comment, former opposition leader Michael Ignatieff was initially quoted as saying “the installation of the draconian onion ring is a blight on the sovereignty of Canadians”.  However, once it was leaked that Ignatieff had attracted interest by the onion’s handlers for a position in the new government, he amended his position.

“I, for one, welcome the onion ring and look forward to many years of his benevolent rule: the true expression of the general will of all Canadians,” before adding in an aloof, professorial manner: “God save the ring.”


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