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From Toronto With Love

Posted by julescosby on August 8, 2011

Office of the Prime Minister

80 Wellington Street

Ottawa, ON

K1A 0A2

27 June, 2010

Dear Messrs. Harper, Flaherty et. al.

Just a quick letter from your old pal Toronto to thank you for G20 Spa Package you sent me this weekend.

Ripping all of those pesky little trees out of my downtown core was the best Brazilian wax I’ve ever received.  And all those extra police boots – and hooves – on the ground amounted to a Shiatsu massage fit for the gods! Sure, the low-flying helicopters were a bit of a nuisance at first, but it is the summer after all, and as Canadians we’ve all got to get used to insects buzzing around, right?

The weight-loss part of the program wasn’t easy.  But the toxic flush that the G20 enema provided sure cleaned out my system.  With so many people out of the city, I’m feeling lean and mean like never before!

At first I wasn’t sure if I could accept your gift.  Some of my friends thought that in a recessionary age, superfluous expenditures were in principle anathema to the official line of prudence and austerity.  But we all know – you guys probably more than anyone – just how much things like principles can get in the way of daily life.

Really, I can’t tell you just how stressful it is being a democratic space.  And between you and me, making the bulk of the money in the country is devastatingly tiring work, and it’s nice to have a little break once in a blue moon.  Those irksome tourists – armed with their damned dollars – really get on one’s nerves after a while, so thanks for the reprieve.

Look guys, I know we haven’t always saw eye-to-eye with each other.  When your government was scrambling to give objective, apolitical stimulus money around the country, your pit bull John Baird told me to scram (Well, maybe the metaphor was a little more colourful than that).  Despite that, I just want you to let you know what a smash-up job you’re doing, and I’m not just talking about smashing up kid’s heads!

Thank you.  One billion thank yous! Come the next federal election, your kindness will certainly not be forgotten.

Never change.

Love,

Toronto

 

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